sorry...

It’s just that I’m not up to it.

It’s a task that I shall not complete, it’s stronger, it out stands my mind and being…. I can’t anymore; there isn’t enough stability to withhold what it takes… I want to, but I’m far too weak, fragile. You are my savior, but I’m also your prisoner, forever in my thoughts and within myself you exist I cannot take it anymore, it’s devastating me. I desire with every fiber that my body beholds to be forever yours…but I can’t, every second that passes by it’s a piece of me that vanishes… I’m not able to, I want to…ceaselessly in me you shall live, but it seems as if that was only it.

@ who gives a damn!?!?!

I have to say, there is something that quite exasperates me from time to time….

And it basically is the permanent attempt of people, of trying to say where they are, when logged on to MSN Messenger…you get online and you see almost everyone with the “@ watching TV”, “@ out”, “ @ cel” thingies attached to their nicknames, which for me is extremely frustrating, one because “@” is supposed to stand for the word “at” which if I’m correct makes many of the past assertions grammatically incorrect and besides, could someone tell me when did the “Away” status became insufficient to tell others that YOU ARE NOT THERE? Correct me if I’m wrong but unless you’re “@ committing suicide” who the fuck cares??

Do NOT enter!!!

I’ve come to discover in the passing of time, that I, no matter how much I tend to love someone, uphold myself at a certain distance for a strange reason unfamiliar to me. I obstruct they way in of others, create this permanent, indestructible barrier. No, vulnerability isn’t my thing, exposing myself to others, susceptibility, those would be several of my major qualms, divulging one’s weaknesses, and just letting people know, is terrifying for me and no, I don’t understand the reason of this being, i think it may be fear of betrayal, those betrayals that leave profound wounds those in which you find the path of recovery less than clear. Perhaps, I don’t know. maybe it has to do with the invasion of individual space, coming to think about most of us have this disease, the "do not enter" disease, but one thing I know for sure . That at the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we actually desire is to be close to someone or something. So this façade where we all stay distant and act as if we didn’t care about each other, it's more often than not, a load of bull. So we make a decision and choose who we want to hang about with, and once we've selected those people, we are likely to remain close by, despite of how profoundly we hurt them or they hurt us. The people that are still there when everything has gone down the drain, those are the ones worth keeping. Yeah, every now and then close can be excessively close. But sometimes, that “invasion of individual space”, it can be precisely what you need!

blah blah blah... with a bit of culture ;)

So I spent an exceptional weekend enjoying the wonderful and breathtaking beaches of my dearly loved country and this, with the endearing company of (not so much) my family and boyfriend. We found ourselves to be in a hotel filled, I’d say more like infested with French people, which for me was nothing less than intellectual stimulating, for I found myself several times prying into conversations with the sole purpose of discovering how much I actually understood of the language… to my surprise (NOT) it wasn’t plenty. Any who! I returned with a perfect sun tan and had time to peruse some of my favorite books, not because I’m a boring person but rather because reading is an activity of which I take enormous pleasure doing. One of the books I got to RE- read was “El libro de los abrazos” de Eduardo Galeano, which is a fusion of numerous stories, fables, chronicles, but must of all, of those thought to be insignificant truths that in the end, turn out to be the most important ones… here are some passages of the book I find to be noteworthy:

El sistema/1 Los funcionarios nofuncionan.Los políticos hablan pero no dicen.Los votantes votan pero noeligen.Los medios de información desinforman.Los centros de enseñanza enseñan aignorar.Los jueces condenan a las víctimas.Los militares están en guerra contrasus compatriotas.Los policías no combaten los crímenes, porque están ocupados encometerlos.Las bancarrotas se socializan, las ganancias se privatizan.Es máslibre el dinero que la gente.La gente está al servicio de las cosas.

El sistema/2 Tiempo delos camaleones: nadie ha enseñado tanto a la humanidad como estos humildesanimalitos.Se considera culto a quien bien oculta, se rinde culto a la culturadel disfraz. Se habla el doble lenguaje de los artistas del disimulo. Doblelenguaje, doble contabilidad, doble moral: una moral para decir, otra moral parahacer. La moral para hacer se llama realismo.La ley de la irrealidad es la leydel poder. Para que la realidad no sea irreal, nos dicen los que mandan, la moral ha de ser inmoral.

Happy anyone?

What is it with happiness, and its constant seek? Personally, I find it to be a conundrum.

Distressing for many to hear, I don’t believe in happiness, Joy, glee, bliss, gratitude or how ever you want to call it. Happiness for me is an immense utopia, sort of like a myth, instilled to us by preceding generations; (you know along the lines of Santa, the tooth fairy blah blah blah…) recently, being a good and righteous law student (*cough…bullshit…cough*) I also discovered that Happiness has evolved into a human right of the 4th generation, like some sort of mandatory task… my my! And regardless of it all, we manage to make our lives a continuous and relentless pursuit of the so called happiness (and truth be told it always ends up in total and utter failure), which for me, is a clear indicator that none of us is in fact “happy”!…reality is, we are expected to be joyous, grateful creatures, essentially for the whole being alive thing, either we want it or not. And to be honest, maybe it doesn’t all lay on being happy. Coming to think about it, maybe it’s like Kant said… “Happiness is not an ideal of reason, but of imagination” perhaps its not a destination or purpose to be found, but solely the way how we choose to travel…maybe happiness has nothing to do with being happy, but with acknowledging what is it that you have, being aware of our merits, and those of others…our personal triumphs, the friends we decide to have in our lives, and those who didn’t, but are. For me, happiness defines itself into courageousness, bravery, having quite some guts... for that is what it takes to live the day by day and still remain standing.

Y como diria Sabina....

"Me considero un rojo sin diminutivos. No soy un rojillo, soy un rojo, un rojazo. Y eso no quiere decir comunista, ni socialista, ni anarquista, quiere representar esa hermosísima ideología de hace unos años, que hacía creer que esta infamia de mundo podía cambiar de alguna manera".

Let's Be Friends!

Ugh, I extremely dislike Friendship and all its crap about being the most authentic and compassionate liaison among people (I came up with that quote) ;)

Here are a couple of MY thoughts on friendship:

A friend as mere a**hole who puts up with your crap and thinks he deserves a gold medal for doing so, the first one to crack up if you mess something up and he is never too withdrawn to point out your fault lines, the first one to blab when you have a crush on a guy, and is unbelievably indiscrete when he’s around. They state those minimal faults you have, but the big ones, they don’t dare to say. A friend is one expected to stab you in the back, and make everything a rivalry. They easily turn things into somewhat spiteful and sardonic.My friends, God I hate them, they take total contentment in reproaching me, what I do, how I do it, the way I feel, and not feel for that matter. Who are they? And who entitled them to do so?

Truth be told, I did... and I’m glad ;)

Cynicism or hopefulness?

LOVE… such an insignificant, rather minute word, with supreme meaning, a meaning we’re most of the times not even willing to recognize, so many times mistaken for something else and GOD knows that whenever you’re close to it! It rocks your fucking world…superfluous to say most if the times, in the worst, nastiest ways… I’m in love, (whatever that means) is it me? Or does it not have the most inaccurate definition ever? C’mon, Butterflies, walking on air? Who the hell came up with those things? That person certainly didn’t fell in love much. For me, love translates itself into pain, but nah ah, not the minute ache, or a tad of discomfort, mainly the type of pain so grand that you can’t neglect, one that blocks everything else and manages to make the rest of your world fade into oblivion until there’s nothing else you can’t think of, but your reckless pain, and how much you’re throbbing.

Falling in love is taking a gigantic leap of faith, and praying for not to fall and collapse at the bottom. The truth of the matter is, that most of the times we end up in the floor, wounded, injured, weak and damn terrified! We take the chance of taking off our armors; letting our vulnerable and defenseless selfs out in the open, waiting for that unexpected attempt that’ll bring tears, PAIN. Oh yes, that awaited massive amount of pain.

In the end, we end up squandering valuable time, precious time, mainly waiting…suffering a huge amount of pain, of not being corresponded, being mentally deranged, and highly unbalanced (sort of like me) waiting for the foreseeable moment when everything is DONE, for feeling you’re a little too much in love ( if we ever find an suitable explanation for it).

The Pain of being in love or not being in love for that matter, is agonizingly difficult to anaesthetize, there are no other solutions than to wait for the pain to subside (if it ever manages to do so) fight it through, pray that the wound that caused it mends quickly, but most of all not to making everything of it, because LOVE, messed up as it is, is the answer for most of the questions out there.. And besides, “it’s always better when we’re together” ;)

The Thing with Adulthood...

Watching grey’s second season (thanks to the borrowing of my close friend neno), I recently discovered that I, as the characters utterly loathe adulthood. It is nothing else than a sum of responsibilities, and responsibilities SUCK, the really, really do. I mean, I have yet to become an actual adult, and there are infinite things I’m expected to do.

Unfortunately, responsibilities don’t go away, they just don’t…running errands, college? Yes college! In no way can they be evaded. It’s a face them situation or endure the consequences….I’m only 19 I don’t FUCKIN WANT consequences. Truth is, I am nowhere near of being a grown up, I mean, the fundamental insecurities, the basic uncertainties and all those old inner injuries managed to grow up with me. Mainly, life and affairs have enforced me to be converted into an adult. True, I did get bigger, taller, and older. But, mostly, I feel like a kid, a kid taking grown up (if there are any) courses in college, a kid that’s running around trying anxiously to fit in.

No.1

Hello there!

My most sincere greetings to you bloggers and other miscreants out there, whom might come across with my page in your travels .My name is Franchesca and this, this is my first blog. Foremost I must voice that I am (to some extent) an intelligent and mentally stable person (hahaha), not quite so, no…but I have found it crucial for me to start this endeavor because of the following reasons...

1) Massive boredom

2) I can't afford therapy on my own.

Therefore, I have no other alternative than to discharge my accumulated angst and anguish on you people.

Enjoy;)